Mishaps With SOLDIERS and TURKS
by The Quiet Shadow XVII
Summary: The real reason Sephiroth is crazy. A mysterious cookie in Rude's underwear drawer discovered by Reno, and more! Crack, yaoi, M for language, pairings: ZackXCloud, RenoXRude, VincentXKadaj, and others inside!


This idea was genius, indeed.

I decided to try my hand at humor. Sorry if it sucks.

Warning: Yaoi, language, OOCness, Kenny-deaths (as in, somebody dies in every chapter, but is still in the next.) and hilarity, oh, and some Life With Derek references. How I hate that show.

Pairings: Zack/Cloud, Vincent/Kadaj, Angeal/Genesis, Sephiroth/Hojo (xP), and random crack pairings I'll come up with later… like… Marlene/Cid… no, not really, because that's illegal and I might get sued.

~x~

**Chapter 1 The Explanation (For Sephiroth's Insanity)**

Sephiroth smiled to himself as he walked down the hall to his office, whistling the tune of "I'm So Pretty". He slid the keycard through the slot and opened the door, surprised to see a distressed-looking Zack huddled in the corner, rocking back and forth muttering something.

"Make it stop, make it stop, Derek… Kasey…"

"Zackary?" asked Sephiroth, raising a (sexy) silver eyebrow.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Zack, jumping up and running out of the room, arms flailing wildly. "CLOUD, SAVE ME!"

The door slammed behind him and Sephiroth stared at it for a second, the shrugged and turned, almost jumping completely out of his skin when he saw a girl standing there who hadn't been there before. She smiled evilly at him, and for the first time in a long, long while (since he had seen his mother naked when he was ten) he was downright terrified.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I am Kasey," she replied. "And you are General Sephiroth. You _will_ help me show up my step-brother, Derek."

"Bitch, please, why the _fuck_ would I do that?" asked Sephiroth.

"Because if you don't, then I won't do your homework for you!" she snapped.

"H-homework?" asked Sephiroth, before bursting into giggles.

"Then I'll see to it that you fail high school," she said simply.

"What's high school?" he asked cluelessly.

"You're not in high school?" asked Kasey, shocked, then she began muttering to herself. "So, you're not in high school, eh? Well, then, I will find some way to bend you to my will!"

She cackled evilly as lightning flashed in the background and thunder rumbled.

Sephiroth watched her with an expression that looks something like this:

o.0

Only… much sexier, when suddenly, a black and red thing burst through the window and threw water onto her head.

"The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" shouted Vincent as Kasey coughed and spluttered.

"My hero!" shouted Kadaj, breaking through another window and jumping into Vincent's arms, then together the jumped through another other window.

"Doesn't anybody know how to use the door?" asked Sephiroth, ignoring the wet girl. (K/N: Get your mind out of the gutter)

The words had barely left his mouth when there were a few cracks, and the door burst into splinters and Zack raced in, carrying Cloud on his back.

"There's another one!" screamed Zack, running around in circles.

Sephiroth shot Cloud a curious look, but the blonde chocobo head just shrugged, looking somewhat frightened.

"Cloud, I must get you to protection!" shouted Zack, pulling the smaller male into his arms and kissing him. "To Neibleheim, away!"

"Why the fuck would you take me there?" asked Cloud over the shatter of glass.

"There goes the fourth window," muttered Sephiroth. "Oh, dammit! Not another one!"

A boy stood in the doorway, attempting to look bad-ass, and failing miserably.

"Who are you?" asked Sephiroth.

"Derek!" shouted Kasey, "that was wrong of you to tell the school that I failed my last homework quiz when you know that I got a hundred percent!"

Sephiroth sat in his high-backed computer chair of doom, leaning back and looking mildly interested in this child's drama.

"Whatcha doin?" asked a voice.

Sephiroth looked up to see a red-headed TURK, Reno, sitting on his desk, also looking at the two (somewhat pathetic) teens.

"Watching my favorite show," replied Sephiroth, smirking.

"Oh, interestin', yo," said Reno, grinning.

"GGBISFKSANMDLSANBJVSNFDVBGVUDNVBIA!!!!!!!!" snarled Kasey, foam dripping from her mouth as she glared at Derek.

" FDBDSFSAMASGNDSJDSDOS!" replied Derek, his eyes glowing red.

**~Six hours later~**

"Well, I'm telling mother on you!" shouted Kasey.

Sephiroth twitched, moving for the first time in six hours. His eyes moved to the side and he was shocked to see Reno, asleep, with a fly up his nose.

"You do that, Kasey! Why do you think you're so much better than everyone else?" screamed Derek.

Sephiroth cracked. He couldn't take anymore. Six hours of listening to this fucking control-freak bitch and this wanna-be bad-ass fag bitching at each other about a quiz score. He had to kill somebody. He had to kill somebody now.

"Because I am!" she cried. "Mother—"

Sephiroth swung Masumane down in an arc, sufficiently slicing the girl in half.

"Oh my God! You killed Kasey!" yelled Derek, shocked.

"You stupid son of a bitch!" shouted Kyle, glaring at him.

Sephiroth cackled wildly, throwing Kyle out of the room and plunging Masumane through Derek, then carelessly tossing him through a fifth window.

"See that, Mother?" he asked. "I just killed, for you! Thanks for scarring me for life, Mother, you bitch!"

With that, he jumped out the sixth and final window, off to kill some more.

Reno jerked awake, wiping away the drool, and a few interesting things happened at once.

He sneezed.

The fly shot out of his nose and shattered a seventh window.

He got off the desk.

And found Cloud and Zack having sex under it.

"When the hell did you two get back, yo?" he wondered idly, leaving the room.

Probably off to find Rude for some source of entertainment.

And thus it was, Sephiroth, once a great SOLDIER General, turned crazy by a past childhood incident and an argument between two irritating Disney Stars; Zack and Cloud fucked under a desk; and Reno sneezed out a fly, successfully shattering a window without doing anything potentially dangerous.

~x~

Next time: Reno finds a mysterious looking cookie in Rude's underwear drawer and Cid walks in on a certain… something going on between Cloud and Zack!

Review!


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